His Name Was Kuja: Love Confessions of a Theif
by xiangyu
Summary: Warning: Yaoi, ZidanexKuja. [slight ZxG] Disclaimer: none of this is mine. Story: Zidane's POV, as he speaks of a slight obsession with Kuja, and the affair that comes with it. COMPLETE
1. His Name Was Kuja

His name was Kuja.

He had beautiful hair, silver with a seemingly purple tint, giving a color I'd never even seen before. He had eyes like cerulean and the fair complexion of an angel. He had the body of a man in the shape of a woman.

He was an angel. An angel of some sort, I was sure. Perhaps an Angel of Death? Oh, but you couldn't see it in those eyes of his. The only hint that he might be evil was given when he spoke. There was something wicked to his voice, that you might not notice in light of every thing else.

You might be paying too much attention to the way his hands moved gracefully and placed upon his exposed hips, or how a delicate feature would touch that face of his with a beauty that could rival any woman's.

His lips were especially tempting. For at first, that was what I focused on when he spoke. That's what caused me to miss that awful tone he used, and only listen to the sound of his voice as I watched the words escape those beautiful lips of his.

This might sound odd to you, but he was my brother. At the time, I didn't know it. Had I known it then, I might've been disgusted with myself, I would've stopped thinking such nonsense, but nothing can change what happened between us already.

Nothing could spare my mind of the thoughts of him I had, always. For a time, I tried to distract myself with a girl, but it was no use, I always came back to him.

How he truly felt about me, I can't say. I was his brother, he was a lost child. He might've known that, I had no idea. I couldn't even begin to guess what he might be thinking. Those eyes of his certainly were no window into his soul.

For all I know, he might've been with me because it felt good, or because it was fun, or something of the sort. At first, I was merely attracted to him, and who can blame me? He was so gorgeous I thought of him instead of the pretty female companion I traveled around with, seeking him out to defeat him.

But soon enough, I realized I didn't just want the fun stuff, I loved him. I wanted the cute stuff, too.

Unfortunately, all I could ever have was the 'fun stuff' – I never got the cute stuff. I only had him when he was pulling me away by the tail, or the hair, or the wrist when he was being nice, and into a room where we might have some privacy.

I only had me holding him while the others were knocked out, lying there, wounded, bleeding, dying, perhaps, but he was the one I ran to. He was the one I held close and cried for when I thought I had hurt him too much.

I had a few times with him, and I'll tell you about them, if you like.


	2. Prelude to Insanity

The first time I saw him was in Burmecia, The Realm of Eternal Rain.

My first thought was 'This can't be him..'

Instantly, I was torn. My entire party was lying on the ground, I was struggling to stand, myself, and he casually spoke of destruction as if it were the weather over a cup of hot tea, like we weren't standing around in the pouring rain, bruised, battered and bleeding. Naturally, my gaze cast frantically about me, my comrades, all in a state worse than my own.

Freya, strong Freya, in the city of her own people, lying upon the ground, soaking wet, I saw her move slightly, but for shame she remained where she was, head bowed. I could only guess that tears fell from her eyes like the rain from the sky.

Vivi, poor little Vivi. His mage's powers awfully underdeveloped, he laid there, knocked out, I assume, unmoving, wounded, no doubt. How he felt, if he even could, I had no idea.

And Garnet, the Princess, the beautiful girl I traveled with for the entire journey. Naturally, I crawled over to her first. "Oh Princess.." I whispered, lifting her carefully, allowing her to rest in my arms, her eyes fluttered, but did not open. I could hear him laughing. As I looked up at him, I knew it was true. I felt tears of anger sting my eyes as I glared at him, that would go unnoticed thanks to the rain pouring down on my very face.

For a long moment, it seemed, that he looked at me. For that moment, it seemed as though he and I were the only ones in the world. That was when I noticed his body, and the way the rain seemed to cling to his fair skin, making the fabric of his elaborate outfit, cling to him desperately as well. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think on it any further, because I did. I developed a twisted fantasy right then. I wanted to touch him.

But the instant he turned away from me, I felt the rain hitting me again, I felt every wound on my body sting, or ache, I felt the pain in my heart as I looked over my friends. I couldn't pitch a tent here, it'd rain through. So one by one, I carried my friends into a nearby building, lying them on the cold, but dry floor, carefully, and giving each of them a potion, hoping they'd pick up soon. Inside of the vacant building was where I pitched the tent. We would share one, regardless; four people in a tent would be warmer than two.

As I laid there, I couldn't stop thinking about him.

At first, naturally, I had thoughts concerning what an unbelievable bastard he was. And how I wanted to kill him. But I couldn't think about taking his life, as awful as it was, call me shallow, but a part of me didn't care he was apparently completely insane and also; capable of killing so many innocents, I envisioned myself with my weapons, concentrating on ending this madness.

But another madness overtook my thoughts. I allowed myself to contemplate them instead of what I had meant to think of. I allowed myself to remember the way he looked at me in that moment, and the way I felt. And the way I wanted to touch him, he looked so soft, I wanted to feel his pretty body in my arms, against my palms.

But at the same time, I wanted to tighten my grip and tear his limbs off.

That night, I didn't sleep. Instead, I laid there, thinking of him again and again, from ways to kill him, to ways to love him, relentlessly on both accounts.

I felt like I was going insane, honestly. I didn't even realized I'd spent the entire night thinking of him until the other's began to stir around me. Immediately, I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. For a short time, they left me go, figuring out for themselves that I was the one that brought them in, took care of their wounds, and provided a somewhat comfortable place to sleep, considering the circumstances.

However, we all knew we couldn't stay there forever, so when I was awoken by the Princess nudging at me gently and whispering about how we had to leave, I didn't complain. I got up, dressed, and we left.


	3. He Had Me Once

I was righteous. I was, I wanted what was best for everyone, always. For the entire world. That was obviously not allowing some lunatic destroy everything. _Obviously_.

But for some reason, I didn't feel like I cared what happened, ever, when I felt him nudging at my side with his foot. He'd knocked me down, again. I had been desperately trying to find a potion in my pocket, it took me several moments to do so, and he allowed me to. If I were him, I would've finished me off right then. Why play with me, really? If you're looking to destroy the world, why not eliminate he who opposes you when you have the chance? He left me go. He left me roll over and stare up at him for a long moment.

He appeared to be perfect. It didn't matter what my idea of perfect _really _was, I couldn't find a single thing wrong with him physically, and I couldn't find a single part of him I didn't lust for. But I couldn't even think about that too long, because I coughed, and then I coughed again, and rolled over, leaning up on an elbow, another cough splattered blood onto my hand.

I was going to die. I was bleeding internally, I knew it, I could feel my whole body aching. And then I felt overwhelmed with the pain when he touched me. It felt like he was trying to crush my body with his bare hands. Obviously, that was not what he was doing. But I passed out anyway.

When I awoke, I was not any place familiar. And I felt as good as new. Completely bare, but completely healed, and I was quite pleased with that. But my friends, where were my friends? Why was I here alone and why did I have an awful, awful feeling that they weren't each treated with the same care? As these and other thoughts of the like traveled through my mind, I became unaware of my surroundings and it was some time that he stood there, in the doorway, before I realized he was there.

When I looked over at him, I realized I must've looked surprised. As if I hadn't seen him so scantily clad before; now he wore the same thing he usually did, however, he was missing his shoulder gear. His top half was bare, and his hair fell perfectly around his face and onto his shoulders.

Instinctively, I drew the covers closer around myself. I simply stared at him. I really have no idea how long it was like that before he finally spoke.

"Nothing to say?" he questioned, stepping closer to the bed; he stopped to stand at the foot of it and looked down at me. My lips began to move before the words even came out of my mouth. What did he want me to say, really? I was confused.

And that wasn't something he neglected to notice. He smirked. "Nothing at all?" he asked, leaning over slightly as he spoke with that odd smirk of his still, completing a narrow-eyed expression he tended to wear sometimes and I continued to stare. His eyebrows rose as he looked at me, as if he were expecting a response. I shook my head slightly.

"Nothing?" he asked again, leaning over more and proceeded to climb onto the bed. "No.. 'thanks for saving my sorry ass,' or anything?" he questioned, crawling towards me. The closer he came, the further back I leaned. I was so shocked I didn't even know what to do. So I mumbled a "Thanks.."

"For..?" he asked, leaning over me as I laid on my back on the bed. "For..saving me.." I whispered, looking up at him. He gave no reaction to my response, but had taken to pulling the covers from me slowly, to expose my bare chest to his fingers. Oh, I was a boy, my body was so far out of my own control it was insane, his fingers touching me just like that had me aroused, and all he had been doing was drawing invisible patterns across my chest, completely neglecting to touch the sensitive pink flesh of my nipples at all.

He could tell he was torturing me. He could tell by the lump under the covers that he was sitting on, and the gasps that escaped me when he moved slightly on me, or like when he leaned down to press his kisses to my chest.

I found it difficult to keep from gasping, or from moving. Especially when his lips attached to my neck and I felt kisses being placed there as well. "Kuja.." I breathed, trying to arch my body up against his more, but he tortured me still by pulling back. "Is something wrong, Zidane?" Oh, he was awful. I didn't know it then, but he wanted me to tell him. He wanted to know what I wanted him to do to me.

"Touch me, please.." I whispered, reaching for his hands and tried to place them on myself. "Please.." I repeated, because as soon as I let go of them, his hands withdrew again. I looked at him, I tried to look desirable. I tried to make him want me with my mind. It wasn't working, though, he drew back again. I didn't understand, what was he doing? Had I done something wrong?

I couldn't take it, I was emotional, I was aroused, I was overwhelmed, I closed my eyes tightly and rolled over to hide myself as soon as I felt his weight leave me. I could feel the tears escaping, and I wiped at them harshly under the covers. I heard him moving around, and moments later, I felt his weight return to the bed. I was so confused; I peered out from underneath the covers at him.

"What's the matter, Zidane?" He asked, pulling the blankets from me again and sliding under them himself. "Can't keep it up for me?" he asked, sliding a hand under the covers and I felt his fingers running over my thigh. "Please don't tease me.." I pleaded softly, closing my eyes again. But his hand left me, and I felt him moving again.

When I opened my eyes this time, it was because I'd felt what I assumed was his hair, trailing along my stomach and down.

I felt his kisses again; they were warm from his soft mouth. Soon, his kisses seemed to stop and I felt something warm and wet.

I moaned loudly. I was a virgin. Sure, I'd pleasured myself before, but this was so much different, it was so much more intense, I think I may have passed out shortly after climaxing. I'm not really sure why. It felt like a sleep spell had been cast on me.

The next thing I remember is waking up alone in that room again. As soon as I remembered what had taken place, I panicked. I was losing to him. It took me a few short moments to locate my clothing and I dressed quickly and escaped the room he'd kept me in through the window. I ran. I ran a long time until I came to the nearest town, where I came across my party who had been searching for me desperately.


	4. It Was Horrible

"It was horrible." I lied, hoping they couldn't see right through me. I was terrified that they would. I prayed no one could tell that I wanted so desperately to run back the way I'd come and find him again.

Garnet comforted me as we traveled high across the plains. Where she sat, I laid my head in her lap, using her as a pillow as I closed my eyes. I felt her fingers running through my hair gently. Her other hand held one of mine tightly, as if she were the one who needed comforting. I couldn't bring myself to talk much. Or do much of anything, actually. If I closed my eyes, I could pretend I was still there. I could pretend I could still feel him kissing me. I could pretend the tears that slipped from my eyes now were because he'd been teasing me, and not because I wished he were again.

That night while we slept, I slept with the princess. Snuggled right up against her was the only way I could fall asleep. The others couldn't possibly imagine what Kuja had done to me to make me act so strangely. They'd never guessed that I ached for him. They'd never guessed that for whatever twisted reason, I'd rather be with him right now than seeking him out to kill him.

No one ever knew that while I kissed Garnet's face, I was thinking of how soft her flesh was, and how it was almost as fair as his. It remained a secret that even that night, as I made love to her for the first time, that I thought of him. We were quiet, everyone else was sleeping in the next tent, I moved slowly on top of her, admiring the beauty of her body, even though she wasn't Kuja, I couldn't deny she was beautiful.

That night while I slept, I dreamt of him. I was such a wreck, I thought, when I woke up. I was awake before anyone else, so I dressed quickly and slipped out of our tent. It was early morning and the smell of the fresh air calmed me and cleared my mind. I couldn't let him do this to me. I had to destroy him, or he would destroy us all. I thought of the princess, I told myself I loved her, I loved my friends, I had to be strong for their sake. I wouldn't let him win me so easily.

This was the thought that kept me going for the next few days. It wasn't until I saw him again in Treno did I forget myself. He was a wicked man; he captivated me as I saw him across the room in the auction house. I stared at him. My heart told me to run to him. But my mind told me to stay put.

For some time, I didn't move, and neither did he. But I had to move; I couldn't just stand there looking at him. I turned and ran out of the building. I ran all the way back to the inn that we were staying at. I climbed into bed and lay there. When the others returned, I pretended to be asleep. As soon as I was sure they were all asleep, I slipped out of my bed and left the inn. I wanted to be alone, even if they were sleeping, I wanted to be alone. The city was quiet; it was early in the morning, shortly after midnight.

I couldn't stay still. I stood, I sat, I leaned against this, and that. When I finally settled, I was leaning against a building, facing it, and resting my head on my arms in front of me and wishing I were sleeping in my bed.

I was tired, I began to imagine things. "Oh, let me be strong.." I whispered to myself as I squeezed my eyes shut tightly. I imagined his arms sliding around me from behind and feeling his lips against my neck.

I thought that I was making myself sick. I opened my eyes and looked around before I allowed myself to fall down, my body leaning hopelessly against the building. "Kuja.." I whispered to the stars.

After that, I don't remember anything that happened, until I woke up in a bed again. Alone, however, it was a bed in the inn, and I wasn't sharing a room with anyone, it seemed. I was sweating, however, and I was freezing. But then a moment later I felt like I was on fire and I was sweating even more. The sweat went from cold to hot flashes several times before I felt dizzy enough to fall over and passed out again.

I was definitely sick. I didn't get out of bed for a long time, but I wasn't asleep all this time, sometimes I heard their voices. It was the middle of the night when I stirred due to having a light from outside, from my door being opened, shining in my eyes. I opened them slowly and saw the blurry silhouette of who I assumed to be the princess.

"Oh dear," That was not her voice, it was his. It was Kuja. I couldn't see again, he'd closed the door. "Are you ill?" he questioned, I could hear his voice and tell he was standing right beside my bed.

I reached for him. "I hurt.." I heard my own voice, I sounded sick, I sounded sad, I sounded like I hurt. "My head.." I whispered, "My eyes..my chest.." I continued, but I felt his finger press against my lips. "I understand." He whispered back. I could tell I was sweating, but I was freezing. "Kuja.." I whispered, holding on to his hand tightly.

"Kuja." I said it again, attempting to pull on his arm, but I was drained, my body was too weak. "Kuja… Kuja…" I kept saying his name. I heard myself saying it. I didn't stop saying it until he responded.

"Shh." He said, and I felt his weight press onto the bed. "Kuja..Do it again.." I whispered, my legs moved slightly under the covers. "Please.." Even as ill as I was, my body ached for him. I craved his kisses and his delicate touches.

But once more, I felt his weight leave the bed. I couldn't even tell if my eyes were open or not, but he was gone. I was about to cry when I realized he wasn't leaving, but merely locking the door. After I heard it click, I relaxed a little.

I couldn't tell what he was doing, but I heard him moving about, clothing moving, mostly, and a soft clank of his armor. I felt the covers leave me before I felt his weight on the bed again. By now, I'd been stripped of all of my clothing except my underwear, because I kept getting so hot and sweating all over, I assumed.

His body was smooth, and soft, and placed atop my own before he pulled the covers over me again as I mumbled something about being cold. He didn't tease me this time. He kissed around my mouth, and my neck.

His kisses were like fire on my body, I was so cold, yet hot at the same time. His tongue playing with the sensitive pink flesh of my nipples was like electric; I felt the pleasure shoot through my body, building in my private area. Which wasn't so personal anymore after he pressed his hand to the front of my underwear. That alone made me gasp, but I felt him massaging me gently and I moaned. How loud I was moaning, I couldn't tell you, but it couldn't be too loud, since no one came running to make sure I wasn't dying or anything.

I wanted to touch him, I wanted to please him in return, but I couldn't move much. In fact, my arms even fell back to my sides after holding on to him for a short while. The simple action had exhausted me. I didn't even realize I had lost my underwear to him, or that he was completely nude himself, until I felt him slide onto my ache.

He probably knew I was going to gasp and moan about it, because he'd covered my mouth with his own lips as he did that. And I sure did. "Ah.. Kuja.." I tried to return his kisses, still, but I couldn't reach for him if he moved. I gasped and tried to thrust my hips up against him.I didn't even have to request he did it harder, or faster, his pace was impressive, and mind blowing. He moved his body perfectly against mine.

He leaned close and kissed me the whole time. When I apologized for not being able to pleasure him as he had done for me, he told me it was alright, it was fine, he knew I was sick, he didn't expect me to, and got off just the same.

I felt extremely faint afterwards, but I fought myself not to fall asleep again, and clung to him as tightly as my weak body would allow. "Kidnap me." I whispered, holding onto him tightly. "Take me, please." I begged breathlessly.

"You don't know what you're saying." He told me, but I shook my head. "Kiss me again." I said, trying to find his face with my hands but I couldn't think. "Kiss me again." I repeated, "I need you. My body aches for you." I whispered, trying to hold on to him as he drew back. "Please, don't go.." I pleaded. Surprisingly, he leaned back down, and kissed my lips softly. When I finally allowed myself to fall asleep, he was still there.

But when I woke up, he was gone. Why did I expect him to stay? I knew of our situation, I knew it was better if he didn't, for both of us. But I wanted him to.

Fortunately, I felt better when I woke up.

**AN**; Hey guys, I see I have a few reviewers, I'm glad you like the story. Here's chapter 4.I have chapter 5 finished already, as well, but I'm having a bit of trouble uploading it for some reason, so it might take a while until I figure out what's going on with that.  
Love, XiangYu

p.s. I promise Zidane will stop being such a cry baby. ;D (I was never good with his character..)


	5. He Was Relentless

We went nowhere until everyone was sure I was fully restored to perfect health; I felt much better, physically. But Kuja haunted my dreams and my waking thoughts relentlessly. I didn't know what to think. Did I simply enjoy the time we spent together and crave it because he pleasured me so well? Did I just want to get off? Or did I want him because I wanted _him_?

It confused me a lot. I couldn't think of much else, and when we traveled, trying to find him, part of me hoped we didn't. But part of me hoped he found me first and took me to heaven and back with his kisses and caresses.

I had yet to repay him the favor of actually doing anything for him when we met. And we met several times through my travels. Always while the others were sleeping, or while they lay in defeat, I would crawl over to him sometimes, others, he would come to me. Like now, I lay on the ground. I went easy on him, but he was relentless in that, too. Ultimately, I did myself in. This time, I couldn't move. I could feel the blood running down my face.

It hurt to breathe.

When he came over to me, I could barely see him. I couldn't focus, and my vision was blurry. He showed no remorse, but simply cast a powerful curing spell on me. He played with me.

When I was fully healed, I sat up, wiping the blood from my face; I looked around at my friends, and immediately stood to pitch a tent for them. He always just watched as I did this. As I carried them inside and placed them carefully on the blankets, tended to their wounds and gave them potions. I stepped out of the tent, to see him standing there alone, still.

He hadn't uttered a word, but I watched him.He appeared to be caressing himself, I watched his lithe fingers dance over his fair skin.He was the strangest person I'd ever met. He watched himself in the reflection of a window nearby. Why didn't I hate him? He just beat my friends half to death, and I still wanted him.

"Mm..You're a good boy, Zidane." He said, turning to me as I approached him. "..What is wrong with me.." I mumbled as I grabbed him, I pulled his slender body against my own and kissed him. I wanted him in the worst way. I wanted him in every way. It seemed the second I chose to dominate him, he moaned. He tried to move, but I held him, so he didn't. I backed him up to a wall, and he writhed against it, pressing himself towards me.

I noticed a change in him. He was submissive, he was letting me do what I wanted, and it seemed to arouse him.

He had no objections to my turning him around and pulling his clothing away to expose his backside. This was the first time I was in full control. The first time that I made him gasp and moan like he was.

Our bodies were still clothed, mostly. But it felt amazing anyway. It was certainly different.

When we were finished, neither of us moved. He pressed himself back against me, turning his head as far as he could manage. "Kiss me." He said, pulling my arms around his slim figure with his hands, and held them there. I had no objections, I kissed him. For several moments, before I decided to pull out of him, which caused him to gasp. I zipped my pants back up and he pulled his clothing back on all the way again.

I glanced over at him. His face was still flushed, his hair was slightly askew. I reached over and pulled him into my arms. "Did you like that?" I asked, "Yes.." he whispered. I smiled a little.

"Kuja.." I whispered, I kissed him. I kissed his mouth, and his neck, and near his ear as I whispered to him again. "Stop this nonsense. Have me instead. Have me all day every day, if you want. I don't want to keep fighting you." I tried to keep things how they were. I wanted him to remain in that slightly submissive and obedient mode he seemed to be in, but I must've killed it with my words.

"Zidane. I will kill you one day." He said, pushing me off of him and turned away from me. He was leaving. And I didn't want him to leave like this.

"Kuja..Please.." I said, following after him. I grabbed his wrist to stop him but he turned around and smacked me. I continued anyway. "Kuja," I whispered his name. "I.." I wanted to say 'I love you.' I wanted to tell him I needed him. I wanted to tell him that I couldn't live without him. But the way he glared at me broke my heart.

But I said instead, "I hate you. I will kill you first." I told myself to be strong. I told myself I wouldn't give in to him again, nor would I let him beat me. "I won't let you keep up with this. I won't allow you to continue murdering innocent people, and hurting my friends!" I was enraged.

"You're brave." He sneered, turning towards me again. "You think you can stop me? You think you can change my mind or something?" He asked. He continued to come closer to me; I backed up to the wall I'd pressed him to not long ago. "Do you think that I care for you?"

Those words hit me hard. I don't know why, I don't think I expected him to care for me, but to hear that he didn't so harshly. As he grabbed my face and forcefully kissed my lips, I felt my eyes stinging with tears. "Kill me, then." I whispered, "Leave my friends alone, kill me." I begged, "They're no threat to you, not even combined." I whispered, neglecting to acknowledge the tears in my eyes that were blurring my vision.

As I closed my eyes, I heard him laugh, and I tried to slide down against the building, but he grabbed my shirt, and held me up. He held me against it roughly, and I had no choice but to look at him again. "I wonder how they'll like it when they find out what you've been doing with me. How often Zidane's been alone with the enemy and not tried to off him once." He whispered, his face close to mine, and with a glance, his eyes directed my gaze over to the tent, where Garnet had stepped out of and was now watching us with an unreadable expression on her features.

"Zidane!" She called, and ran over to us. Her staff in hand, she started to summon Shiva, but Kuja let go of me to hit her, sending her to the ground, her staff fell from her grasp and rolled off.

He hit her. Right in front of me. Like I wasn't going to do anything about it. He was making to cast a spell on her when I ran in front of her to protect her. "Garnet, run!" I said, glancing behind me at her as she scrambled to her feet. But she didn't go anywhere far. The next thing I knew, she'd grabbed her staff and cast a shield on us, protecting us from his magic, temporarily.

"How sweet." He said, going for her again, but I grabbed her hand and pulled her towards me. She cast something, I don't know what it was, but it sent him flying backwards.

I turned to her, wrapping my arms around her. "Are you alright?" I asked, brushing her hair back from her face gently. She nodded and wrapped her arms around my neck, clinging to me. I kissed her forehead. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Kuja standing again, so my gaze turned to him, but he just stood there, watching for a moment, before he turned and ran off to that dragon of his and flew away.

The look of hurt on his face was something I hadn't noticed. He told me he didn't care. He hurt my friends and I, time and time again. Why would he care? I assumed he was in pain from the blow he'd been dealt.


	6. My Beautiful Lover

For the next few days, it was obvious that I was 'off' – Everyone noticed it. And it seemed that they had been discussing it one night when I went for a walk, alone. On my way back, I met Garnet. She was waiting for me.

"Zidane?" She asked softly, smiling nervously. "Hm?" I tried to smile in return, but I didn't feel like it at all. "Do you have a moment?" she asked, "I'd like to talk to you." I nodded slightly, she glanced back at our campsite and then came to stand by my side, holding my arm, she proceeded to lead me back the way I'd just come from.

"What's going on?" She asked, after we'd seated ourselves on the ground at the edge of a pond.

"_I wonder how they'll like it when they find out what you've been doing with me. How often Zidane's been alone with the enemy and not tried to off him once."_

"Heh.." I closed my eyes and shook my head slightly. I couldn't tell her. I couldn't even begin to tell her. She would never understand, and I knew it. "Nothing." I said, though it was obvious to her that I wasn't being honest.

"Zidane.." She said slowly, and I looked over at her. "Nothing. I'm just stressed." I said, before she could say anything else. "He won't stop. I can't beat him." I confessed, I looked her right in the eye as I said it.

"You will beat him." She sounded so sure of it, I couldn't help but to smile, though I was afraid it was a sad smile. "And I'll help you." She added, scooting closer to me and wrapped her arms around me.

"Soon." I said, sliding my arms around her in return. Only, part of me felt like I was lying. How could I ever beat him, anyway?

**-x-x-x-**

Only, I didn't realize how right I was. After that, I hadn't met him again. I was going crazy. I'm the good guy, remember? I didn't like leaving things like that with him. It seemed like forever until the crew was sleeping, and I slipped outside of the inn.

I sat on a bench in the town. The whole place was silent. The only light came from the moon that was so bright it had to be full. It was so quiet, in fact, I'm surprised I didn't hear him when I stood up, and only noticed his presence when he grabbed my tail. I was lost in thought, I suppose. I turned quickly, drawing my dagger on him, it was the only thing I had with me at the moment, but I froze when I saw him.

He held his hands up, and looked at me with those eyes of his. I tried to glare at him, but my expression was confusion. I turned my back on him, tail wrapping around my waist and proceeded off.

I was dying to see him, and now I was walking away. But I hoped with all of my heart that he would stop me again. It was then that I truly realized that I loved him.

"Zidane" he said, in a singsong voice with that wicked tone of his. I stopped walking, but I didn't turn around. I knew if I turned around, I'd run to him. I knew where I had to stand. I couldn't give in so easily.

But if he asked me to, I would. In a heartbeat.

I didn't say anything, and I closed my eyes when I felt his slender fingers slide into my hair, and gripped it tightly. My hands moved to pull his hand out of my hair, but as soon as I lifted my arms, his grip loosened and his hand slipped from my hair and rest on the backside of my neck.

My eyes shot open when I felt his other arm slide around my waist. Every time we touched, I swear I saw some sort of heaven. But I couldn't bear the thought that he didn't care for me. I couldn't stand thinking he was only using me. It was heartbreaking to endure, especially when I wanted him so much.

So I pulled away from him again, but I turned around, looking at him. I had no words for him. Rather, I did have words for him, but I couldn't bring myself to beg him to love me.

"What's the matter, Zidane?" he questioned, stepping closer to me again. His hands reached for me, and I wanted to take them, and kiss them. But I thought of Garnet, suddenly, I shook my head slightly. "How would you like me if I beat your friends up all the time? But you don't have friends, do you? So I guess maybe you can't relate. I can't imagine who in their right mind would like you, anyway."

It had spilled out before I could stop it. Of course, if there were a contest for harshest insult, my words wouldn't have won it, by far, but I hoped he cared enough about me for them to make an impact. And they did. He stared at me. But I couldn't stop my self from talking anymore. "What's the matter, Kuja?" I asked, almost mimicking his tone. "Have I hurt your feelings? Or, wait, do you even _have _feelings?" I couldn't stop. I was saying things I hadn't even thought to say before, but they just came out of me now like they were supposed to. "I guess you don't. So I shouldn't worry about hurting them, right?"

The next thing I knew, he had punched me in the face. I stumbled backward and he hit me again, this time, I tripped, and the next thing I knew, I was on the ground.

I yelled at him angrily, and he smacked me in the face as he leaned down, on his hands and knees now, before he crawled on top of me, and proceeded to kiss me, before I could even stop him. His actions were forceful, he held me down with his hands and the rest of his body, while his lips kissed my face all over, and then he bit me. That was when I moaned, and he stopped to look at me, I stared up at him. I could feel the tears burning in my eyes.

"Are you going to rape me?" I asked, and I felt his grip relax. His hands moved to my face, holding it gently, he kissed my forehead and closed his eyes.

"I'm sorry.." I whispered. He stood up quickly, and turned to walk off, without another word, but I stood up and ran after him. "Kuja, stop." I said, grabbing his hand and when he stopped, I used it to turn him around. He stared at me. For the first time, I saw something in his eyes. For the first time, I realized a sadness in him that had always been there, but I never noticed before.

I didn't say anything else; I just put my arms around him in a tight embrace and closed my eyes. For a long time, I stood there with him, until we went back to my room at the inn. For the first time, we 'made love.' It was different from usual, our movements were slow at first, and he kissed me gently the whole time.

Afterwards, we laid in the small bed, my arms were wrapped around him and he was snuggled against me. Moments upon moments passed and I laid there, pretending we were normal. I pretended he wasn't supposed to be my enemy, and that he was simply my beautiful lover. I pretended that this day coming would be spent together, and that we would go to bed again the night that would follow, to once more fall asleep with each other, and have his face be the first thing I saw in the morning.

I pretended that he loved me, too. I waited until he fell asleep to tell him, but I did.

The next morning when I awoke, he was gone. I felt a sadness in me that I couldn't contain. I rolled over and pulled my pillow over my head, and dreamed my dreams of being with him again. Until I moved and felt a paper in my bed, I opened my eyes and peered out from under the pillow to see what it was.

A parchment, with three simple words on it.

"I love you." I whispered to myself, and closed my eyes again.

I wouldn't be able to touch him again. How could I ever hurt him again?


	7. The End

Three days later, I killed him. The madness did not end. This was a situation I could never be selfish in. This was not worth his love. As much as I told myself I'd do anything for him, this was insane and I would never.

We were at the Iifa tree. And if he loved me, he did not love me enough to let me live, so every time he hit me, I hit him back twice as hard. Two of my friends were down, it was Garnet and I. She kept casting healing spells on us. The fact that she was such a great white mage was probably the only reason he hadn't annihilated us by that time.

While we battled, I didn't see him as the man I loved. I didn't see him as the man I cried for. I saw him as a wicked thing, a demon, a devil, something horrible. Something that needed to be destroyed for the sake of the world.

I got him down. As he fell, Garnet cast a series of spells on him, but I ran to him. He lay there on the ground, his eyes stared straight up when I reached him. "..You win." He whispered, I saw his eyes focus on me, and something like happiness touched them. But there was also sadness that broke my heart.

"I'm sorry it had to be this way." I whispered back. I was holding him now. I kept apologizing, for everything, even that he couldn't realize what life was really about.

"I think I know now." He responded, his voice was weak, he looked faint. It looked like it hurt him to smile. Gently, I wiped the tears that fell from his eyes, and then the ones that fell from my own and landed on his face.

"Why couldn't you listen to me?" I asked, squeezing his hand tightly. I wished he had. I wished he'd given in the moment I suggested he took me forever. "Why are you so stubborn..?" I said, unable to hide that I was crying.

"Zidane..?" I heard Garnet's voice coming up behind me, but I put my hand up to stop her, and her footfall ended.

"Zidane, kiss me one more time?" he asked softly as I brushed his hair from his face with the utmost care. I nodded slightly and leaned down to kiss his lips with the softest passion I could come up with, though my lips, like the rest of my body, just wanted to tremble. I kissed his forehead and I swear I felt it when his soul left his body.

"Please Kuja, come back, be well again, be sane. I love you." I whispered. I whispered it again and kissed his face. I held his limp body closely until Garnet came over and put her arms around me. "Zidane.. It's alright." She whispered, but I couldn't stop crying.

**-x-x-x-x-x-**

It was a while before I was all right again. Though my enemy was defeated, I also lost my lover. But the world was safe, so I couldn't complain much. He was an awful person to fall in love with.

I never told anyone of our relationship, but I think Garnet suspected something she couldn't quite figure out. Especially after the way I reacted to the Death of Kuja. Who cried when they killed their enemy? A destroyer of the world. A monster, even. There was no reasoning for it save for the fact that there must have been something more.

It's been almost three years now.

Occasionally, I have nightmares that I wake up crying from. Ones in which I kill him. He died in my arms countless times. Each time I wake up, I wind up crying myself to sleep again.

I still go to Burmecia sometimes, and Treno, and every other place I'd ever met him in. It always brings back memories; I try to keep them sharp. I can still play out each time I met him in my head, remembering it exactly, as if it was only the day before.

I always close my eyes like I used to, and some sad part of me secretly hopes for his touch. Sometimes, I swear I can feel his breath on my neck, the kiss of his lips on my face, or hear him saying my name like he used to.

I dream of him now and again. I dream of seeing him, I dream of holding him, I dream of living that normal way that I'd pretended that night in that inn while he slept in my arms what seems like so long ago.

I've almost forgotten the times he'd been harsh with me. I'd forgotten every time my heart ached for him as it does now. I still cry for him sometimes, and hope that I'll see him again some day. When I'm alone, I whisper to him now and again. I tell him I love him every time.

I still have that note he left me that one night.

**owari**


End file.
